Surprise!

Somehow, it's already December 2018. The last several months have been the mixture that life often brings - full of challenges, surprises, tears, joy, anxieties, adventures, love, and family. I've written several blog posts on my phone, but have not had the energy to edit and share them. 

Isabella was born a year and a half ago. I truly cannot fathom what our lives would look like on a daily basis if she had lived. We are different people because of her life and death. We love more deeply with a painfully awareness of the fragility of life, do not take pregnancy or children for granted, recognize that our plans may not be God's plans, and are marked by sorrow in a way we never anticipated.

This month we are facing our first Christmas since Mom's death and our second without Isabella. Our table at Thanksgiving was missing people and there will always be an emptiness at family gatherings. As we mourn them and the life we pictured, days continue to pass and new challenges and joys are integrated into our story.  

My sister and her daughter visited us in late July. On the Friday she was in town, I took a pregnancy test because my period was a day late. I had gotten my IUD removed nine days earlier and, given the efficacy of that method, mainly took the test to break open the new pack of twenty I'd ordered from Amazon. My fertile window was over before that appointment (intentionally because of my ideal timing for a child's birth - April to July). I took the test and saw only the control line. About ten minutes later, I glanced at the test and was shocked to see a very faint second line. I yelled for my sister, softly enough to not wake my sleeping niece. She came running and confirmed the presence of a second line. We danced around (quietly) celebrating the fact that...I'm pregnant!

We discussed how to tell my husband since he was at work and decided I'd try to convince him to come home early so I could tell him in-person. I called him, keeping my voice as normal as possible, and suggested he start his weekend a few hours early to hang out with my sister and our niece. Apparently, my encouragement was not working since he would be home in about four hours anyway, so I changed tactics. There were some family matters I wanted to discuss with him. Frustratingly, he needed more information about what type of family matters before deciding to leave work around lunch. Was it related to some recent difficulties with my dad? No. Did something happen with my sister? No. I finally blurted, "I did not want to tell you on the phone, but I'm pregnant!"

While pleased and surprised after the initial dubiousness passed, he did not come home early.

I have amazing maternity style ;)

In the months since then, I've frequently reminded myself that this baby belongs to God. The fact that I became pregnant while on a highly effective birth control, is God. He alone opens and closes wombs and creates life. When anxieties arise that we will not bring this child home, I cling to the fact that God has a good plan and purpose for this baby. I also know that if something happens, he will walk beside us through that sorrow as he has through all of life's joy and pain. As I prayed while carrying Isabella within me, I pray this child is typically developing and comes to know the Lord at an early age. In addition to these prayers, I ask that we never bury another child but that one day this child will bury us, many, many decades in the future.