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Control and Fear

One of the most noticeable differences for me since Isabella is fear. Specifically the fear of loss and my lack of control. My mind generally goes to the worst thing that could happen and how to prepare for it.

I've found myself wanting to call the cemetery and reserving the plot next to Isabella, just in case. I decided I will paint my fingernails before any future births so that we will know whose hands are whose in the black and white photos NILMDTS takes after our other children die. We recently got tattoos and one of my first thoughts was that now we have distinguishing marks to help others correctly identify our bodies when we die.

My husband and I have discussed what we would do if we lose more children. We agree if we bury any more children, we plan to adopt. Part of me wants to start the adoption process before we try and get pregnant again, just in case. (A friend recently reminded me how exhausting the adoption process is - we are not ready for it, but we are scared of lo…

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