Footloose and Fancy-Free

Last weekend I was at a triple birthday party for my nephews. As expected, there were kids of all different ages running around everywhere. While making small talk with the woman next to me, she asked, "So are any of the kids running around yours?"

"No, none of them are mine."

"Ah, so you're footloose and fancy-free."

I'm sure I responded to the comment some way, perhaps an awkward nod or painful smile, before asking her an obligatory follow-up question.

In that moment I did not have the energy to correct her, to say that we would love to see our daughter toddling around, almost 15-months-old. That we feel about as far from "footloose and fancy-free" as possible. She cannot see the empty space where Isabella would be, trying to keep up with the big kids. She doesn't know that Isabella's cousins would be happily showing her off, in between jumping on the bounce house and Nerf gun battles.

Sometimes parties where I don't know many people are the worst. One of the most frequently asked socially acceptable questions is a variation of, "Do you have any kids?" Until our story became one of child loss, I never knew this question could trip someone up.

I'm sure I've inadvertently hurt others many times with my questions or offhanded comments. If someone cannot find work, inquiries about work could make their stomach clench. If someone is unhappily single, mentioning a frustration with my husband could be a trigger. To someone struggling with infertility, a woman commenting about typical pregnancy discomfort could raise jealousy.

For me, it's the assumption that being apparently childless means we are living the good life. Our life is good, but there is an invisible gaping hole left by Isabella.