Wisdom from Grandma

Going through mom's closet shortly after she died, we found a note my grandmother had written herself 60 years ago. Grandma was a witty, fun-loving, and wise woman. While she and her mother-in-law always had a strained relationship, she was determined to not make the same mistakes with her son's future wife. She knew that good intentions would only go so far when faced with actually interacting with her son's intended. Thus, she wrote herself the following letter shortly after my dad was born to be reread when he married (26 years later). Apparently, Grandma took her advice; she and my mom shared a close relationship.

So Don is getting married and of course to a girl that is not quite worthy of him - remember how flighty you seemed to Mrs. H. 

Here are a few rules for you to follow - you'll have to play the rest by ear.

1. Never criticize his wife to anyone especially Don. Whatever she does whether foolish, immoral, things which hurt you, things which you feel hurt their children - keep your mouth shut. Unsolicited advice will alienate these young people from you and even advice asked for is risky. 

2. Never criticize Don to his wife.

3. Don't pry, Glenna, I know you only want to know what they are doing because you are interested and loving, but they will resent it as an invasion of privacy. 

4. Expect the best - whatever they do that seems to jeopardize their security remember your ups and downs were usually temporary and everyone has a right to make their own mistakes. 

5. Be thoughtful and kind but don't smother. 

6. Of course you would never play the martyr! But remember that jealousy will drive them farther away from you, and it is perfectly logical that they are closer to her parents than to his. 

Remember, Glenna, he belongs to his family now. If you are well received be grateful. If you are resented this is the normal thing and try your very best to give Don up graciously. He is gone - this is a fact - you can accept it with thankfulness or you can despair - this will not change the fact that his first loyalty is not to you - nor would you really want him to be lacking to his own family. 

Good luck - you'll need it. 

Glenna