Even If
When Isabella was in the NICU, we desperately prayed and asked
people to pray for healing. Complete healing. We emailed to following to fellow
BSF leaders the day she was born: “While this is
not the birth story we pictured, we are trusting that God's story for Isabella
is the most perfect one. Please pray that God miraculously heals her brain and
body, that she survives and grows into a typically developing child, that God
gives wisdom and guidance for the doctors, his peace for us, and that God would
be glorified and his name praised.”
We believed then and continue to believe that God is omnipotent, the
creator, healer, and merciful. If it was His will, He easily could have healed
Isabella. But He did not. For some reason, God knew He would be most glorified
by this story - Isabella born alive, living 29.5 hours, then dying. This story was
not Plan B, but always Plan A.
Saturday afternoon after she died, we waited in my hospital room
for about an hour until the NILMDTS photographer to arrive. During this time, I
played aloud the Mercy Me song Even If. It spoke of our trust in the
Lord, even though He did choose not to heal our daughter.
One of the lines says, “It’s easy to sing when there’s nothing to
bring me down. But what will I say when I’m held to the flames like I am right
now?” The song references the story from Daniel 3 of Shadrach, Meshach, and
Abednego. King Nebuchadnezzar had a golden statue made measuring 90 feet tall
and 9 feet wide. He commanded all people to “fall down and worship the golden
image that King Nebuchadnezzar has set up. And whoever does not fall down and
worship shall immediately be cast into a burning fiery furnace.”
Some members of court accused the Jewish exiles Shadrach, Meshach,
and Abednego of not bowing down before the statue. These three men had been
appointed over affairs in Babylon and had positions of authority. Their refusal
to worship the statue infuriated the king who ordered them brought before him.
He said, “If you do not worship, you shall immediately be cast into a burning
fiery furnace. And who is the god who will deliver you from my hands?”
They replied, “O Nebuchadnezzar, we have no need to answer you in
this matter. If this be so, our God whom we serve is able to deliver us from the burning fiery furnace, and he will
deliver us out of your hand, O king. But
if not, be it known to you, O king, that we will not serve your gods or worship
the golden image that you have set up” (Daniel 3:16-18, emphasis added).
The king ordered the furnace heated seven times hotter, had the
men bound, and they were cast into the furnace. The flames were so hot that the
guards who threw them into the furnace were killed. The king then saw four men
walking around, unbound, and unharmed. He ordered Shadrach, Meshach, and
Abednego to come out. They were unhurt, no hair was singed, no clothing burned,
and no scent of fire. The king was astonished, blessed the name of the Lord,
commanded any who spoke against these men to be destroyed, and promoted these
three men in Babylon.
This story provides the background for Even If. As Shadrach,
Meshach, and Abednego trusted that God could save them, they also professed
their assurance in the Lord even if
God did not save them. In the same way, we fully believed that God could heal
our daughter and allow her to grow up as a typically developing child. But even if He did not, it would not lessen
His power or authority. As the song states, “I know You’re able and I know You
can, save through the fire with Your mighty hand. But even if you don’t, my
hope is you alone.”
This song speaks to truth about God that we continue to cling to
and believe. We decided to play this and another song during the slideshow at
Isabella’s funeral.
About three weeks after Isabella died, we were brought face to
face with our proclaimed faith that God can save, and sometimes chooses to. A
family friend who was due two days after me and had a placental abruption
during her 40th week. She had an emergency C-section and her son was
without oxygen for an estimated 20 minutes. The infant and his father were
airlifted to a regional hospital where he was in the NICU.
My husband and I were roughly 1,300 miles away from home on our
post-funeral road trip when this happened. We “coincidentally” were two hours
away from this regional hospital and were planning on driving through this city
the next day.
We immediately prayed that the Lord would ransom this child’s
life, heal him, and have his story one of a miraculous recovery rather than our
story. However, we thought it was God’s providence that we were in the area
shortly after we had walked through a strikingly similar birth and NICU story
up to this point. We had the bereavement books, we knew what helped, and we
were ready to aid this family in any ways we could if their son died.
The baby was in the hospital when we arrived in town. We contacted
the father, asked if he wanted company, and came bearing coffee. Their son’s
situation looked almost identical to Isabella’s. He was also intubated,
sedated, on a cooling blanket, had oxygen deprivation and the resulting acidosis.
In the father we saw the exact same hope that had characterized us when our
daughter was in the NICU. Hope that our child could survive and modern medicine
prevail. We sat with the father and his father-in-law for several hours,
talking and just providing company. Instead of traveling through this city onto
our next destination, we decided to stay for a couple of days, just in case.
The doctors had feared that this child would die, but by God’s
grace, two weeks later he was discharged from the hospital. God healed him and
the doctors think he has little to no permanent damage.
It was a struggle to witness the other side of “even if.” Even
now, it’s a shock to confront a story of healing next to our story of loss. In
their case, the numerous prayers for healing were answered in an earthly
healing. Ours were answered with a heavenly healing. This family took their
firstborn home. We did not. And yet God could have saved Isabella just as He
had this other child.
It brought up difficult questions. Why did God choose to heal this
child, and not ours? He would have been glorified if our daughter was
miraculously saved, so why was that not our story? How do we trust him in daily
life when He chooses not to act as we
think would be most merciful?
“I know the sorrow and I know the hurt, would all go away if You’d
just say the word. But even if You don’t, my hope is You alone.” Both of us
believe that God could have said the word and healed Isabella. He could have
saved her with His mighty hand. Yet some times he does not.
We kept coming back to choosing to trust that God is who He says
He is. As another verse in the song reads, “You’ve been faithful, You’ve been
good all my days. Jesus, I will cling to You, come what may. ‘Cause I know
You’re able, I know You can.”
He is faithful. Even in taking our firstborn home to heaven, He is
faithful and true. And He is good. Had she survived, she might have been miraculously
healed. However, she likely would have had cerebral palsy and brain damage. God
could have called us and equipped us to walk the path of parents of a child
with special needs. That path would have been brutal. This one is too. But He chose
this one for us.
We continue to cling to Him. I know that, for whatever reason, God
will be most glorified in our daughter’s death and in the miraculous healing of
this other child. I do not understand it. Thus, one of my most frequent prayers
these days is that God would allow us to see how He is using Isabella’s death
for His glory.
Lyrics
They say sometimes you win some
Sometimes you lose some
And right now, right now I'm losing bad
I've stood on this stage night after night
Reminding the broken it'll be alright
But right now, oh right now I just can'tWhen there's nothing to bring me down
But what will I say
When I'm held to the flame
Like I am right now
Save through the fire with Your mighty hand
But even if You don't
My hope is You alone
To move a mountain
Well good thing
A little faith is all I have, right now
But God, when You choose
To leave mountains unmovable
Oh give me the strength to be able to sing
It is well with my soul
Save through the fire with Your mighty hand
But even if You don't
My hope is You alone
I know the sorrow, and I know the hurt
Would all go away if You'd just say the word
But even if You don't
My hope is You alone
All of my days
Jesus, I will cling to You
Come what may
‘Cause I know You're able
I know You can
Save through the fire with Your mighty hand
But even if You don't
My hope is You alone
I know the sorrow, I know the hurt
Would all go away if You'd just say the word
But even if You don't
My hope is You alone
It is well, it is well with my soul
It's easy to sing
I know You're able and I know You can
They say it only takes a little faith
I know You're able and I know You can
You've been faithful, You've been good
I know You're able and I know You can
It is well with my soul
Songwriters: Bart Marshall Millard / Benjamin
Glover / Crystal Lewis / David Arthur Garcia / Tim Timmons
Even If lyrics © Sony/ATV Music Publishing
LLC, Capitol Christian Music Group
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