Control and Fear
One of the most noticeable differences for me since Isabella
is fear. Specifically the fear of loss and my lack of control. My mind
generally goes to the worst thing that could happen and how to prepare for it.
I've found myself wanting to call the cemetery and reserving the plot next to Isabella, just in case. I decided I will paint my fingernails before any future births so that we will know whose hands are whose in the black and white photos NILMDTS takes after our other children die. We recently got tattoos and one of my first thoughts was that now we have distinguishing marks to help others correctly identify our bodies when we die.
My husband and I have discussed what we would do if we lose more children. We agree if we bury any more children, we plan to adopt. Part of me wants to start the adoption process before we try and get pregnant again, just in case. (A friend recently reminded me how exhausting the adoption process is - we are not ready for it, but we are scared of losing more children.)
These are morbid thoughts and many boil down to my desire for control. I cannot control whether any future children live or die, but I can have a plot picked out for if that does happen. Although I could call the cemetery, I have not. If any more of our children die young, they will be buried just a few down from their sister.
In discussions people often say, "Worst-case, _X_ happens." "X" being you are rejected, the goal is not met, etc. Now I think and sometimes say, "Worst-case, we are killed unexpectedly or our children die."
I fear more loss. Now that we are in this loss club, I've met many other people who have buried children. While multiple losses are not the predominant story, it's not uncommon for people to have loss, after loss, after loss. Some families have lost two or more full-term babies. Others have a stillbirth, followed by a loss through SIDS, followed by multiple miscarriages. Others bury a child then lose various family members.
In the midst of these fears, I am reminded that "God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control" (2 Timothy 1:7). When I am allowing myself to be ruled by fear, I am not living in the truth of God. The truth is that God did not give me a spirit of fear. I can choose to dwell on fears of tomorrow or I can focus on his word. The Bible also states, "Sufficient unto the day is the evil thereof" (Matthew 6:34). Each day has enough trouble of its own - I do not need to be borrowing more.
One of my favorite passages is Joshua 1:9. As the Israelites are going into the Promised Land after wandering in the desert for 40 years, God tells this to Joshua, "Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the LORD your God is with you wherever you go."
We are commanded to be strong and courageous. We are told to not be frightened. Because "the Lord your God is with you wherever you go." This was true of the Israelites. It is still true of God's people. God is with me wherever I go. Whatever the future holds, he will be with me.
Again and again throughout the Bible we are told to not fear. God commands us: Be strong. Take courage. Do not be afraid. Cast your cares on the Lord and he will sustain you. Do not worry about your life. Fear not. Do not be worried and upset.
Daily I need to remind myself of the truth that God is with me, whatever the circumstances. If we bury more children, he is with us. If we have healthy children who outlive us, he is with us. And none of it is a surprise to him. He already knows each of our days before they come to pass.
One of the passages that speaks to worry and anxiety is Philippians 4:4-9. It states:
I've found myself wanting to call the cemetery and reserving the plot next to Isabella, just in case. I decided I will paint my fingernails before any future births so that we will know whose hands are whose in the black and white photos NILMDTS takes after our other children die. We recently got tattoos and one of my first thoughts was that now we have distinguishing marks to help others correctly identify our bodies when we die.
My husband and I have discussed what we would do if we lose more children. We agree if we bury any more children, we plan to adopt. Part of me wants to start the adoption process before we try and get pregnant again, just in case. (A friend recently reminded me how exhausting the adoption process is - we are not ready for it, but we are scared of losing more children.)
These are morbid thoughts and many boil down to my desire for control. I cannot control whether any future children live or die, but I can have a plot picked out for if that does happen. Although I could call the cemetery, I have not. If any more of our children die young, they will be buried just a few down from their sister.
In discussions people often say, "Worst-case, _X_ happens." "X" being you are rejected, the goal is not met, etc. Now I think and sometimes say, "Worst-case, we are killed unexpectedly or our children die."
I fear more loss. Now that we are in this loss club, I've met many other people who have buried children. While multiple losses are not the predominant story, it's not uncommon for people to have loss, after loss, after loss. Some families have lost two or more full-term babies. Others have a stillbirth, followed by a loss through SIDS, followed by multiple miscarriages. Others bury a child then lose various family members.
In the midst of these fears, I am reminded that "God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control" (2 Timothy 1:7). When I am allowing myself to be ruled by fear, I am not living in the truth of God. The truth is that God did not give me a spirit of fear. I can choose to dwell on fears of tomorrow or I can focus on his word. The Bible also states, "Sufficient unto the day is the evil thereof" (Matthew 6:34). Each day has enough trouble of its own - I do not need to be borrowing more.
One of my favorite passages is Joshua 1:9. As the Israelites are going into the Promised Land after wandering in the desert for 40 years, God tells this to Joshua, "Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the LORD your God is with you wherever you go."
We are commanded to be strong and courageous. We are told to not be frightened. Because "the Lord your God is with you wherever you go." This was true of the Israelites. It is still true of God's people. God is with me wherever I go. Whatever the future holds, he will be with me.
Again and again throughout the Bible we are told to not fear. God commands us: Be strong. Take courage. Do not be afraid. Cast your cares on the Lord and he will sustain you. Do not worry about your life. Fear not. Do not be worried and upset.
Daily I need to remind myself of the truth that God is with me, whatever the circumstances. If we bury more children, he is with us. If we have healthy children who outlive us, he is with us. And none of it is a surprise to him. He already knows each of our days before they come to pass.
One of the passages that speaks to worry and anxiety is Philippians 4:4-9. It states:
Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, rejoice. Let your reasonableness be known to everyone. The Lord is at hand; do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things. What you have learned and received and heard and seen in me—practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you.When my mind goes down the worst-case scenario paths, I need to preach to myself that the Lord is at hand. He already knows my fears and I can turn them over to him, trusting that he will use all of them for his glory and my good. I can turn my thoughts, again and again, to truth. The truth that I am not alone. That Isabella is with him because he has conquered death. That I am not fighting by myself but he fights for me.
I know that fear will come. And I know who to turn to when my mind starts planning the funeral for another, still unconceived, child.
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xoxoxo