Yet Another Reason to Never Ask a Woman When She is Due
As soon as my belly popped at about 16 weeks pregnant, it was obvious I was expecting. While I certainly gained weight throughout my body, I mainly carried in the front. From the back I did not look pregnant, but from the side or the front I was all belly.
Since I was so visibly pregnant, I was frequently asked when I was due. This never bothered me and I enjoyed happily replying, "June." In fact, I eventually thought it an overreaction that women vociferously proclaim people should never ask a pregnant woman her due date.
This viewpoint changed shortly after Isabella was born.
Contrary to what Hollywood and social media would often lead women to believe, a woman's body does not just magically return to its previous shape after childbirth. From the women I've spoken with and my own experience, our bodies are never the same. Not only do our bodies permanently bear some reminders of the children we have carried, most women still look pregnant for quite a while after giving birth.
My mom still remembers one of my dad's coworkers saying to her a month after I was born, "Oh no, you still haven't had the baby?!" My dad was showing me off in a different part of his office and this woman mistakenly thought my mother was pregnant because of her post-baby belly.
While most of us would probably not commit this faux pas, there must be some scenarios it is appropriate to comment on a woman's belly, right? What if you see a woman who is obviously pregnant in a hospital with a large labor and delivery unit? Nope, it's not a good idea to comment on the belly.
Several hours after Isabella died, my husband, sister-in-law, and I were walking laps around the hospital. As we were walking down a hall, a nurse from a different floor smiled and commented on how helpful walking around is during labor. Thanks. I gave birth yesterday and she died today, you just would not know that from my abdomen.
So asking in hospitals is out.
What about if someone has decades of experience working with expectant women? Then you can ask, right? Oh no, please don't.
A few days short of a month after Isabella was born and died, my husband and I were in Oregon staying at a small, newly opened hotel. While my husband grabbed the bags from our car, the woman checking us in told me she was a labor and delivery nurse for over 20 years before opening up this business. "You look about four or five months pregnant, when are you due?"
I promptly burst into tears and briefly told her our story. We were given a complimentary bottle of wine that night.
Later that evening I asked my husband if I really looked four or five months pregnant. "No, not at all. She may have somehow picked up on lingering pregnancy hormones."
She might have noticed my melasma or the "mask of pregnancy" on my forehead and upper lip that were discolored a month after birth. (It still has not completely faded). While I did not think my belly was that prominent, I felt whale-like after her comment.
Some women who are pregnant are carrying children who have conditions with which life is incompatible. Their due date is not full of joyful anticipation because they know that their child's day of birth will also be their day of death.
After my encounters and hearing other women's stories, I cannot think of a single safe situation to ask a stranger or acquaintance if/when they are due. If someone is a close friend, you would presumably already know if they are pregnant and roughly when they are due. So please never, ever ask a woman when she is due, even if you have good reasons for inquiring.
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| 35 weeks pregnant; taken after a baby shower |
Since I was so visibly pregnant, I was frequently asked when I was due. This never bothered me and I enjoyed happily replying, "June." In fact, I eventually thought it an overreaction that women vociferously proclaim people should never ask a pregnant woman her due date.
This viewpoint changed shortly after Isabella was born.
Contrary to what Hollywood and social media would often lead women to believe, a woman's body does not just magically return to its previous shape after childbirth. From the women I've spoken with and my own experience, our bodies are never the same. Not only do our bodies permanently bear some reminders of the children we have carried, most women still look pregnant for quite a while after giving birth.
My mom still remembers one of my dad's coworkers saying to her a month after I was born, "Oh no, you still haven't had the baby?!" My dad was showing me off in a different part of his office and this woman mistakenly thought my mother was pregnant because of her post-baby belly.
While most of us would probably not commit this faux pas, there must be some scenarios it is appropriate to comment on a woman's belly, right? What if you see a woman who is obviously pregnant in a hospital with a large labor and delivery unit? Nope, it's not a good idea to comment on the belly.
Several hours after Isabella died, my husband, sister-in-law, and I were walking laps around the hospital. As we were walking down a hall, a nurse from a different floor smiled and commented on how helpful walking around is during labor. Thanks. I gave birth yesterday and she died today, you just would not know that from my abdomen.
So asking in hospitals is out.
What about if someone has decades of experience working with expectant women? Then you can ask, right? Oh no, please don't.
 |
| About 3.5 weeks postpartum, still wearing maternity pants. Photo taken the same day as the story recounted below. |
A few days short of a month after Isabella was born and died, my husband and I were in Oregon staying at a small, newly opened hotel. While my husband grabbed the bags from our car, the woman checking us in told me she was a labor and delivery nurse for over 20 years before opening up this business. "You look about four or five months pregnant, when are you due?"
I promptly burst into tears and briefly told her our story. We were given a complimentary bottle of wine that night.
Later that evening I asked my husband if I really looked four or five months pregnant. "No, not at all. She may have somehow picked up on lingering pregnancy hormones."
She might have noticed my melasma or the "mask of pregnancy" on my forehead and upper lip that were discolored a month after birth. (It still has not completely faded). While I did not think my belly was that prominent, I felt whale-like after her comment.
Some women who are pregnant are carrying children who have conditions with which life is incompatible. Their due date is not full of joyful anticipation because they know that their child's day of birth will also be their day of death.
After my encounters and hearing other women's stories, I cannot think of a single safe situation to ask a stranger or acquaintance if/when they are due. If someone is a close friend, you would presumably already know if they are pregnant and roughly when they are due. So please never, ever ask a woman when she is due, even if you have good reasons for inquiring.
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