Christmas Card Dilemmas
We decided to send out Christmas cards this year and ran into several dilemmas.
Dilemma #1 - My husband and I had very different ideas about the card design and nature.
My take - Isabella is the most important thing that happened this year and I want to highlight her. Our Christmas card should have photos of her. Yes, it's sad, but the event overshadowing everything else in the year is heartbreaking. Had she lived, we would have sent photos. She is just as important to us, even though she died.
His take - Christmas cards are supposed to wish people a Merry Christmas and make them feel good. They serve to tell the recipient, "we are thinking about you." They are not opportunities for people to tell everyone all the bad things that happened over a year or give page long updates. It's okay to have a photo of Isabella on it, but Christmas cards should not look the same as a death announcement.
The eventual compromise - We are sending both. One card is our "thinking of you" piece and reads, "Merry Christmas! Love, ____." It has an evening photo of the mountains a friend took. The back has a shortened version of Isabella's story. The other item in the envelope is a photo collage of Isabella.
A few people may glance at the collage, feel saddened and somewhat shocked that anyone would send them a photo of a dead baby, and put it quickly out of sight. Others will look at the collage, be reminded of the sorrow, and put the photo in a drawer with other photos they do not want to display, but still want to keep. A very small handful (maybe our parents and a couple others), will look at the photo, throats swelling with tears, hearts aching with sorrow and love, and put our daughter on their fridge. All of the responses are okay with me. I needed to send a photo of her for me, as her mother. What people choose to do with it is up to them.
I understand the visceral response of, "why in the world would you send me this photo!?" Another loss family, whom I have never met but know of us through a mutual loss friend, sent us a photo of their daughter as well as a handwritten note. Their daughter was also full-term. She died during delivery. My first thought upon seeing the picture was, "Yikes! That baby is very dead. Don't they realize you are supposed to only show black and white photos of babies after they've died?" I read the note and put the photo in a box of letters we received after Isabella's death. I've looked at it several times, but I do not want it on my fridge. However, this photo gave me permission to share photos of my child. To proclaim that, even though she is no longer with us, she matters, we love her, we miss her, and we want to share her with others. Even though her story is heartbreaking and the only photos we have of our daughter are full of suffering, grief, and anguish.
Dilemma #2 - Do you include the name of a deceased child on a card? If so, how do you write the name? Is there a time in the future it is no longer appropriate to include them?
Yes, we do want to include her name. The next question is "how."
I looked up etiquette for wording the name of people no longer living on cards. It varies and there does not appear to be anything agreed upon for children. The options for writing her name include: Isabella (deceased), the late Isabella, Isabella (dates of birth and death), Isabella* (*deceased), Isabella (in heaven), in memory of Isabella.
One result of the query was a board where people were venting about a cousin who kept signing cards with the name of a child who passed away at 24 weeks gestation. One of our friends miscarried their child at five weeks and includes the child's name on all Christmas cards followed by a cross. The decision is up to the parents. Whatever angst someone might feel seeing a departed baby's name on a card is nothing compared to the grief of the parents.
I'm tempted to figure out the appropriate length of time to write her name on cards. However, I do not need to make that decision yet. The reality is, we will never forget our daughter. All family photos will be missing at least one of our children, whether that is in five years or 25 years. In fifteen years when we give the number of people in our party to a restaurant hostess, our number will be short one. Right now, I do not need to decide what to do in the future.
Dilemma/Decision #3, 4, ...99, 100" - What photos do we use? How many photos? Matte or glossy? Do we have our address pre-printed on the envelopes and mailed to us ? How do we word her story? What card design do we use? What website do we order from?
Many hours and several days later, the cards were finally ordered, I had decision fatigue.
Dilemma #1 - My husband and I had very different ideas about the card design and nature.
My take - Isabella is the most important thing that happened this year and I want to highlight her. Our Christmas card should have photos of her. Yes, it's sad, but the event overshadowing everything else in the year is heartbreaking. Had she lived, we would have sent photos. She is just as important to us, even though she died.
His take - Christmas cards are supposed to wish people a Merry Christmas and make them feel good. They serve to tell the recipient, "we are thinking about you." They are not opportunities for people to tell everyone all the bad things that happened over a year or give page long updates. It's okay to have a photo of Isabella on it, but Christmas cards should not look the same as a death announcement.
The eventual compromise - We are sending both. One card is our "thinking of you" piece and reads, "Merry Christmas! Love, ____." It has an evening photo of the mountains a friend took. The back has a shortened version of Isabella's story. The other item in the envelope is a photo collage of Isabella.
A few people may glance at the collage, feel saddened and somewhat shocked that anyone would send them a photo of a dead baby, and put it quickly out of sight. Others will look at the collage, be reminded of the sorrow, and put the photo in a drawer with other photos they do not want to display, but still want to keep. A very small handful (maybe our parents and a couple others), will look at the photo, throats swelling with tears, hearts aching with sorrow and love, and put our daughter on their fridge. All of the responses are okay with me. I needed to send a photo of her for me, as her mother. What people choose to do with it is up to them.
I understand the visceral response of, "why in the world would you send me this photo!?" Another loss family, whom I have never met but know of us through a mutual loss friend, sent us a photo of their daughter as well as a handwritten note. Their daughter was also full-term. She died during delivery. My first thought upon seeing the picture was, "Yikes! That baby is very dead. Don't they realize you are supposed to only show black and white photos of babies after they've died?" I read the note and put the photo in a box of letters we received after Isabella's death. I've looked at it several times, but I do not want it on my fridge. However, this photo gave me permission to share photos of my child. To proclaim that, even though she is no longer with us, she matters, we love her, we miss her, and we want to share her with others. Even though her story is heartbreaking and the only photos we have of our daughter are full of suffering, grief, and anguish.
Dilemma #2 - Do you include the name of a deceased child on a card? If so, how do you write the name? Is there a time in the future it is no longer appropriate to include them?
Yes, we do want to include her name. The next question is "how."
I looked up etiquette for wording the name of people no longer living on cards. It varies and there does not appear to be anything agreed upon for children. The options for writing her name include: Isabella (deceased), the late Isabella, Isabella (dates of birth and death), Isabella* (*deceased), Isabella (in heaven), in memory of Isabella.
One result of the query was a board where people were venting about a cousin who kept signing cards with the name of a child who passed away at 24 weeks gestation. One of our friends miscarried their child at five weeks and includes the child's name on all Christmas cards followed by a cross. The decision is up to the parents. Whatever angst someone might feel seeing a departed baby's name on a card is nothing compared to the grief of the parents.
I'm tempted to figure out the appropriate length of time to write her name on cards. However, I do not need to make that decision yet. The reality is, we will never forget our daughter. All family photos will be missing at least one of our children, whether that is in five years or 25 years. In fifteen years when we give the number of people in our party to a restaurant hostess, our number will be short one. Right now, I do not need to decide what to do in the future.
Dilemma/Decision #3, 4, ...99, 100" - What photos do we use? How many photos? Matte or glossy? Do we have our address pre-printed on the envelopes and mailed to us ? How do we word her story? What card design do we use? What website do we order from?
Many hours and several days later, the cards were finally ordered, I had decision fatigue.
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